5:18 AM Four hours since nursing. My body wakes up on its own.

5:30 AM I am just drifting off when I hear Mr. Gearhead stumbling around across the hall. I expect to see him shortly, babe in arms.

5:45 AM I hear him walk down the hall and wonder what he’s doing. Body is on high alert. Blasted anxiety.

6:15 AM I hear more noise and decide to investigate. He is walking around, she is sleeping on his shoulder. I hold up my hand to indicate it has now been 5 hours since nursing. He shrugs and mouths that it is worth a try.

6:30 AM He puts her in the crib, asleep, and comes across the hall to talk to me.

6:31 AM She’s awake. We give up and he brings her to me to nurse.

7:00 AM She wants to sleep but needs to burp and is flailing about. I haul us out to the computer room. She cries whenever I set her down, so I hold her in my arms and let her doze. She finally sees a cat and decides she wants to crawl around. I poke around on the internet to entertain myself.

7:15 AM Mr. Gearhead, dressed and ready for work, scoops her up and tries to get her back to sleep.

7:35 AM He gives up. He has to go to work so he hands her to me. She rips a huge burp.

7:36 AM I commence walking. The cats are too fun to watch. Every time she sees one her eyes open wide and she squeals. I throw soft objects, hiss and feint attacks until they vacate the premises.

7:55 AM Finally asleep. No … awake again. I notice the huge booger blocking her nostril and hold her down to extract it. I pray that the screaming won’t wake up M.

8:00 AM Asleep again.

8:05 AM I creep down the hall and lower my aching back into her glider to rock for a few more minutes to make sure she is sound asleep.

8:12 AM I deposit her in the crib and tiptoe out of the room. I hastily retreat to the bathroom to empty and reinsert my Diva Cup* (an activity best completed before the 3.5 year old - with her prying eyes and endless “Whys???” - is up).

8:20 AM I sit on the bed with my head in my hands and wonder exactly how three fucking hours have passed without me getting any sleep.

8:27 AM M is up.

8:44 AM Sophie is up.

* A somewhat futile activity ever since I gave birth to a freight train. It slows the flow but does not stop it. But then again, I haven’t managed to stop the constant flow of pee either.