(This post is for mb)

I was tired and short-tempered yesterday, not wanting to deal with the usual negotiations it takes to get M into her high chair and at least pretending to eat. I took a path I rarely take, and used brute force instead. It felt so wrong, but I couldn’t stop, wanted her in the chair, meal out of the way, nap started so I could lie my exhausted body down and rest. I pushed and she pushed back. I yelled and she screamed back. I wanted her to fear me, to cower and submit to my commands, but she refused. Even in my anger, even as I wiped the tears from her eyes, I realized that I was not a failure. This was not a shining moment for me, but whereas I would have sunk down and obeyed my mother under such threats (harboring secret thoughts of rage and revenge all the while), my daughter rebelled. She does not fear me. She does not obey me. She does not submit. She is her own person. I am not proud of my behavior, but I am very proud of this.