Can you hear the anguished howl in my voice? At the ripe old age of 25 ½ months, it would appear that my lovely daughter is in the process of dropping her nap … and it is not a graceful transition. Nor a desired one. The last few weeks have been one terror after another on the sleep front (as if that’s different from our everyday life?). Naps on some days and not on others. Naps that occur after hours of attempts on my part, and lots of screaming and yelling on her part. Bedtimes pushed to 10 PM, 11 PM, midnight (not by my choice). Waking up early. Sleeping in late. Crashing after many sleepless days and napping for 3.5 hours. Horrendous evenings with a screechy, exhausted toddler who we just can’t get to bed fast enough. And yet she still howls with fury when the time comes, even though she can barely keep her eyes open.

Sleep has never come easy in this household, and any smooth periods we have (typically measured in weeks) are inevitably followed by utter chaos and confusion. My daughter is such a lovely child, but this sleep thing … it’s fucking killing me. Our days are starting to feel like relentless games of Russian roulette. I never know what to expect. Her behavior seems in no way linked to her physical needs. She can act utterly exhausted – rubbing her eyes, cranky and crying, short-tempered – and completely refuse her nap. Other days she seems fine, yet goes down with no trouble. And every combination in between. I feel completely clueless. … But what else is new?

My only hope is that we’ve been through something sort of like this before, and after a few difficult weeks, that perhaps stretched into a month or two, she settled down (a little) and at least started napping again (with a lot of help from me). But I honestly have no idea what is going on. I don’t know if this is just a phase, and she’ll return to napping (which truly seems like what she needs if you ask me – but what the hell do I know?), or if we’re done with the nap for good. Do I give up? Keep trying? Putting her down leaves me with the expectation that I will have some time to myself, to do as I please. When she doesn’t sleep, I’m left bitter and angry with disappointment. Not a good place from which to parent. Sometimes it seems easier to just not try at all, so I don’t have to deal with the frustration of not getting what I want.

This makes me sound like a horrid person, but I honestly do not relish the idea of spending every waking hour with my daughter. I need that nap. I need a little time to myself, without the constant, pressing, demanding needs of a toddler raining down on my head. I’ve always disdained the idea of “quiet time”, feeling that it disrespected the child who clearly didn’t want or need to nap any more. But I get it now, oh yes I do. I’d rather not go there. What I want is a child who will sleep when she’s tired. I have asked for this for two long years. Will it ever happen?