We are still living in no-sleep-hell. M has made it abundantly clear that if she’s experiencing any type of discomfort – be it gas, teething, sore throat or stuffy nose – she simply won’t sleep. We have pulled out all the stops to try to get through this cold … humidifier, vapor rub, Tylenol with decongestant (that shit is worthless), elevated one end of the crib, homeopathics, essential oils, and finally … the sucker. M has a long history with suctioning, and I’m sure that’s not helping matters much. She is also incredibly strong-willed, and – as I already mentioned – not one to stoically suffer through any kind of discomfort. And getting your nose suctioned isn’t exactly fun.

Around here, any benefit gained by using the sucker is typically more than offset by the cost; and that’s why it has become the method of last resort. To do it correctly would really require three adults … one to hold her arms/body, one to hold her head, and one to do the sucking. It’s nice for the person doing the sucking to have both hands free, so they can close the opposite nostril (although M seems to have found a way to defeat this move; somehow making it so no air will move through her nose). Sadly, there are only the two of us, so we improvise. Our latest approach has been to lay her on her back on the floor, so Mr. Gearhead can kneel behind her and clamp his knees around her head. He uses his hands to restrain her arms, and I use my belly flab to absorb the kicks while going at her nose with the sucker. Yeah. It’s not a pretty picture.

In an effort to make the sucking as fruitful as possible, it is preceded by squirts of saline nose drops, and time spent in a steamy bathroom. If we’re going to hell and back, we might as well try to make it worthwhile.

Since none of our other methods seem to be working, we have resorted to using the sucker before bed. And while M is now falling asleep at night fairly easily, she wakes some hours later, and doesn’t go back to sleep for four or more hours. And sometimes not at all. What with the discomfort I’m experiencing from my own cold, and the fact that every night feels like staring down a gun barrel, just waiting for it to go off, I am having trouble falling asleep. M uses her amazing 6th sense powers to start the night’s festivities just as I’m finally starting to drift off (usually around 1 AM, but sometimes as early as 11 PM). She does this every night. She is amazing.

Last night I decided we would take a different approach. When she woke in the middle of the night, we would use the sucker. Again. Yes, it would suck (ha, ha). Yes, it would wake her completely. Yes, there would be screaming and yelling and crying and more screaming. But maybe, with a clear nose, she would actually fall back asleep, instead of keeping us up the whole fucking night.

The gun went off at 12:45 AM (just as I was falling asleep!), so Mr. GH and I wearily rolled out of bed and started the routine. We sprayed and sucked, sprayed and steamed and sucked. We wrestled and tortured and comforted and wiped tears. After an hour of work (interspersed with many breaks), we managed to extract a fairly sizeable amount of snot, and I was feeling confident that we would all finally get some more rest.

Ha. Ha.

M was still awake at 3 AM, at which point I handed off the reins to Mr. GH, closed my door and put in ear plugs. There is only so much I can humanly do, and after a week of being up all night every night (preceded by many weeks of nights interrupted by teething and gas pain), I am at past my limit. We were up again at 7 AM, once again fulfilling my nightly quota of four hours of sleep. Dear god, please make it end soon.